Attenzione: Questa
pagina riporta interviste e parole di amici e di parenti di Marya, nonchè
addirittura sue stesse parole, una traduzione dalla lingua originale
avrebbe comunque variato l'essenza che si voleva trasmettere, si è
dunqe deciso di riportare le parole esatte in lingua inglese quindi.
The first time I ever threw up, I had been hating
my body, hating my body and hating my body-for years... I stopped watching
TV, put down my bag of Fritos and just sort of, in this drugged stupor,
walked downstairs and pulled back my braids and threw up.
This early established routine of eating until she was numb became an
everyday after-school habit for Marya Hornbacher. At the age of nine,
she began bingeing and purging steadily. Eventually she became so disgusted
with herself, she all but stopped eating.
Marya:
You start setting goals for yourself, "I want to get down to 100,
I want to get down to 90, I want to get down to 80, and it just gets
lower and lower and lower. I remember looking at the scale, and it said
63 and I went, 50!"
Her parents only learned of her eating disorder when they visited her
at boarding school. She was skeletally thin. At 14 years of age, she
had lost 25% of her body weight. This was advanced anorexia, and her
extreme medical situation needed extreme measures. Full-time treatment
in a locked institution was the only option left. As with most families,
the shock of discovery hit Marya's parents hard, as did coming to terms
with the role they played in her illness. They never overtly put demands
on her, but to Marya they were intellectuals: successful, beautiful,
talented people, and she wanted to be them. She wanted to excel and
achieve, to be good enough for them. The worst thing she could imagine
being was mediocre. The precocious little girl exacted perfection from
herself and tried curing the discord in her home, and her parents' unhappiness.
She may have gotten sick to bring her parents together; she may have
gotten sick because trying to be perfect was just too hard even for
a lovely, brilliant young woman. In family therapy, Judy and Jay Hornbacher
looked long and hard at their own accountability for Marya's illness.
Judy Hornbacher:
I've had people say astonishing things to me that said they would not
take a look at their family dynamic. And I would say that unless you
do that, you have absolutely no hope whatsoever of your child being
able to get better.
Jay Hornbacher:
The best thing you can do is accept the child as that child is.
They never gave up their love and support, but Marya wasn't getting
better. Despite the hospitalization, the counseling, the medication
and the nutrition, Marya just wanted to die. There is no simple reason
why someone decides to get better. Marya rejected all attempts at any
intercession until the day at Lowe House when a little boy gave her
the first hug she allowed, and told her she could have one tomorrow
too.
Marya:
I made a decision that very few people make in this culture, which was
to actually figure out what was wrong and fix it. I really had to go
through a lot of hell to get better.
At the age of 21, Marya wrote her book, Wasted, telling the story of
her life-long battle with anorexia and bulimia. This memoir has been
described as "brutal and unflinching: a painful and soul-baring
exploration" into Marya's own personal abyss, and of her journey
back. There are no punches pulled here. Marya's intention is to shed
light on the dark side of the eating disordered personality and the
personal, family and cultural causes, underlying eating disorders. Her
book traces her life from the first time she decides to vomit her food,
to her complete collapse in college, five hospitalizations, therapy,
and the loss of family, friends, jobs, and ultimately, "any sense
of what it means to be normal." Marya attended the University of
Minnesota and American University, where she garnered awards in student
journalism. At 18 she began traveling the United States addressing young
women and men about the causes of eating disorders. After Wasted was
published, she received the Women of Inspiration Award from the American
Anorexia/Bulimia Association. She says the point of her book was, "how
you go on with your life," but admits that the book nearly killed
her. After a relapse in 1994, after completing Wasted, she resumed her
fight against her eating disorder.
Epilogue
From a television interview with Marya:
The function of an eating disorder for a lot of people and for a certain
extent of time, is to become numb. When you reach a certain nadir of
numbness, it's called despair. It just feels horrific and then you have
to climb your way back up and that whole process of climbing, that is
a lifetime. That isn't just recovering from an eating disorder, that's
learning how to be a grown up. It's learning how to live in the body
you have and in the life that you have.
Marya is fortunate to be here. She had been told she would never get
this far, but she took hold of her life. Over ten years of therapy and
incredible determination, she is, as she says, the closest thing to
being recovered. When she talked her way out of Lowe House treatment
center, it was a turning point, she knew she could get better, but also
knew she could never diet again; like an alcoholic, she could never
go back to that way of conducting her life. A big part of her still
says she was never there, never in that condition. But she knows it
was her and to be a wholly integrated being, she can no longer be one
of those women constantly at war with her body. She deplores our culture
which doesn't seem to want answers, which doesn't want to change. "And
you can't change an entire culture, you can only change yourself."
Her advice to anyone suffering with an eating disorder? "Get into
therapy. Start working on yourself. Read."Marya continues her career
as a freelance editor and writer. She writes for Minneapolis-St. Paul
Magazine, is the winner of the White Award for Best Feature Story of
1993 for Wasted, her first book, and presently lives in Minneapolis,
Minnesota, with her husband. She is at work writing her second book,
a novel. It is about the nature of loss and acceptance seen through
the eyes of a six-year old girl whose father has died. Set in a little
town in Minnesota, in the early 1970's, a time and place where the Vietnam
war still seemed far away; it is a story of finding redemption, in the
small corners of the world.